B of A(ssholes)

Okay, so...I tried to use my ATM card the other day, and it just plain didn't work. I called B of A to order a new card that DID work only to find out that the reason my card didn't work was because my account had been frozen due to "suspicious activity." What suspicious activity? The suspicious activity that froze my card? But why is my card frozen? Because of suspcious activity? Alright, what SPECIFIC activity did I do that caused you to put my card on hold?

35 minutes, three operators (one of which hung up on me) I learned that the suspicious activity I had committed was...wait for it, wait for it. I went to a liquor store twice in the same weekend and then went grocery shopping.

That was the answer they gave. They didn't flinch either. They didn't say, "I think our computer may have glitched." They told me with all seriousness that this constituted a suspicious buying pattern and so, for my protection, they froze my card.

Let this be a lesson to you perpetrators of fraud: Bank of America is now freezing cards used to buy groceries, and if you continue in your evil ways, you will starve.

A very special message from some assholes

Wow man, what a response! Only moments after my previous blog, Bank of America wrote me a personal email. Evidently, upon learning that I had a blog, they wanted to make good to me before I harmed their nigh spotless reputation.

Well, bygones bank of A. Don't you worry. Water under the bridge.

Oh, and they wondered if maybe they could use my blog to get their message out to the people, their loyal customers. Well sure...

Dear Bank of America customers,

With identity theft and fraud on the rise, we know that you are concerned about the security of your day to day purchases, and what we, here at Bank of America, are prepared to do to keep you safe. That's why we're happy to introduce our newest plan For American Membership Investment Nexus Encouragement (F.A.M.I.N.E.). We will find that criminal element attempting to defraud our customers and here's how we plan on doing it. We all know that criminals need to eat. Upon this basic factor does our plan rely. Criminals will attempt to use your ATM cards to buy food at supermarkets and such. All we ask is that our loyal customers over the course of the next few weeks don't buy food. That way we'll catch all those criminals red handed by freezing any and all accounts used to purchase food of any sort, and here's the best thing: you don't have to sign up for F.A.M.I.N.E.. Having a Bank of America checking card means that you are instantly enrolled in this program.

Let's here what one happy recipient of F.A.M.I.N.E., Monstro, had to say about the strength of our security: "YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I WAS JUST TRYING TO BUY FOOD AND YOU FUCKHEADS FROZE MY ACCOUNT!!"

That's right Monstro, but just imagine if you had been trying to buy that food illegally, huh? We think you see what we mean.

So, Welcome to F.A.M.I.N.E. and please let us know how we're doing.

All comments, concerns, and complaints are to be directed to...up your ass, we have your money!

Mass hole moment

Alright, within the last hour I have already encountered the very things I've been talking about. First of all, I'm on the Calvin Coolidge bridge crossing the Connecticutt river and there's a car stopped on the left hand side with a cop right behind him. Of course, the cop hasn't put up any flairs because he doesn't know the procedure here, so the entire left hand lane is forced to merge over at the last possible moment. Anyways, I get over and I look behind me and there's this letter red car trying to get over except that there's this chick on one of those hands free cell phones in a fucking f150 (the f is for fucking unecessary) and she's not going to let him in. He honks and flips her off. Now she's right behind me.

Okay, now I get over again because I have to make a left turn in the next 200 yards, and the chick in the f150 decides to take advantage of my slowing down because of the heavy traffic to swerve around and pull in right in front of me. I honk and flip her off. She is, of course, unable to process the world outside her truck because she's devolved past chimp intelligence and then we get on the freeway and she speeds off.

Is this, you may ask, a demonstration of Massachusett's driving. Well, technically no. I've seen worse pulled by Massholes, but this person was not a Massachusetts driver. She was from Connecticutt which along with New York produces the worst fucking drivers on the face of the planet. I don't even think what they do should be called driving--masturbating with a wheel in front of you with a good chance of killing Monstro and his family, except...you know...that's kind of a mouthful.

However, the real Masshole moment happened when I got home. Okay, so me and the wife get out of the car we go upstairs, I see that the trash is full and so I go to take it out. While downstairs, the mailman delivers my mail. I say hi, and then a car honks his horn and the mailman and I look up to see some guy driving by and flipping us off. Who is he, I don't know. I seriously don't. Maybe I've seen the guy before, maybe not. In any case, he's pissed and he's flipping off either me, who just recently came downstairs, or the mailman, who's walking. That's what living in Massachusetts is like. People are fucking crazy.

Then all of a sudden it occurs to me, people constantly drive by our house honking. I don't know why. I just thought that the retards were out in force, but who knows. I mean, doesn't it make you wonder, does this guy drive by my house honking all the goddamned time, and if so, shouldn't he be in therapy?

Getting flipped off in the Pilgrim state

Okay, in the post before this, I mentioned quite heavily the bird, the middle finger, getting flipped off, whatever you want to call it. And I mentioned it specifically in relation to driving and the general attitude of Massachusetts drivers.

What I suppose I should mention is that "the bird" doesn't quite mean the same to a driver in Massachusetts. Case in point, I was driving near the Holyoke mall several months ago attempting to park, when an Oldsmobile of boat-like proportions sped in front of me coming from the opposite direction and on the wrong side of the street to take the parking space. Now, as this rude mother fucker was taking MY parking space he was also flipping me off. When he got out of the car, it turned out that he and his wife were probably in their mid to late 60's.

I use this example to illustrate a point. Would this have happened in California? No. Flipping someone off in California is a lot like saying, "fuck you," and if you say that to someone in California, you can expect a reaction. That's why you flip people off ONLY when you are fairly sure you will never see them again. The point is that they are strangers and who knows what a stranger's going to do when they get pissed off. Maybe they'll fume, maybe they'll swear, and maybe they'll pull a gun on you and shoot your stupid ass. The possibility existed, given this situation, that I could have jumped out of the car and beat the living shit out of that old fucker and pretty much felt justified in doing so. Or I could have keyed his car or poured sugar in the fuckers gas tank or taken a tire iron to his windows. I mean, he flipped me off and then walked away from his vehicle leaving it unguarded while he walked through a rather lonely and dark parking garage. In any other state, this would be referred to as "asking for it," but in Massachusetts you never hear of old people getting beat to a pulp because of road rage. Point of fact, you really never hear much of anyone getting attacked because of road rage. Maybe it's because workcrews have police escorts, but then they really only protect the work crews; you never see the police anywhere else.

My only solution is to say that flipping someone off in Massachusetts is not the same as saying, "fuck you, asshole" or anything like that. It must be like, "pardon me," or something. Or maybe its just that the average Massachusetts driver is getting flipped off twenty or thirty times a day and they've just become desensitized to the gesture, in the same way that New Yorkers and Connecticuters no longer flinch at the cries for the mercy of death coming from their wheel well from pedestrians they've run over.

straightening a few things out

In my last post, I realize that I was rather harsh to the people of Massachusetts and I want to say that I'm sorry. I really and truly am. I say this because their are some people in this state who are pretty cool...well, cool may not be the right word, Easterners are, as a rule, kind of stand-off-ish, and cool is a friendly sort of get-along-with-everyone kind of vibe. That's why people have always thought of the Drivler as cool, Monstro as a dick, and Avram as the guy with red hair. In real life, Avram is shy, I AM a dick, and the Drivler has so perfected his psychotic mask of personability that he actually seems friendly. You know who's cool, my wife. She is friendly beyond friendly. But the people of Massachusetts aren't necessarilly cool.

They're not horrible either, and that's my point. In my last blog I insinuated that the people of Massachusetts act like retards. That simply is not true. I said this for two reasons. First, its basis in fact: people on the East are not used to the wide open spaces that we in the west are used to (stop laughing I'm serious). As a result, their idea of personal space is about a foot. When they walk past you, they attempt to cut in at the last minute like they have a semi riding their ass, and as such may suddenly shift over INCHES in front of you...and then they stop. This is them WALKING. Furthermore, they make no bones about the fact that this is the place where all those 19th century writers came from, its the womb of the revolution, Harvard, MIT, Brandeis, Smith, Holyoke, etc.. They think they are hot shit. Maybe they are. I, of course, come from California where we invented thinking that we're hot shit for no god damned reason, so its only reasonable that they and I would clash. Except that in California, we're not so full of ourselves as to believe that we are above standing in line. They are in Massachusetts though. They hover around cash registers more or less impersonating some quantum sketch of an electron field. Moreover, as I mentioned before they are just not friendly. They're not chomping at the bit to tell you all about themselves. They are not asking you to go have a beer with them. They don't want to know you. In California, this would mean that they were either psychotic, closeted homosexuals, or homeless.

The other reason that I said those nasty things about Massachusetts is because THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. Now, I know that they don't mean it; I realize that's just how they drive, but seriously, does that make it any better? Also, when they walk, they are trying to knock over my stroller. So, not only are they trying to kill me, but they are also trying to kill my baby.

So, I'm sorry about calling you retarded Massachusetts. Hey, now that we're friends again, could you maybe do me a favor. Yeah....LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE!!!!

Massacusetts finest

I don't think I've talked about Massachusetts for awhile now, and so I thought I'd share with you a feature of the experience of New England. Remember folks, I'm from California. I've been living in this state for about a year and a half. This, of course, means that the entire experience of New England is different for me, some might say foreign, and others might say downright fucking alien. I'm serious. If someone said to me, "yeah, here in Massachusetts, if you're a native, you eats lots of chowder and suck people's brains out through their eyes," I would reply, "oh, so that's what that noise is." I mean, seriously, when its -5 degrees outside, its hard NOT to think that you're on Pluto, or as the people here call it, Yuggoth.

Anyways, I realize that what normally draws my attention here in Massachusetts are only cultural differences. For instance, in the Pioneer valley (big fucking pioneers got nearly 90 miles from Plymouth fucking rock), people sometimes act in the same way that retarded people in California act, but as I've come to understand, they're not actually retarded. That's just their culture.

Having said all that, let me tell you a little about the police here in Massachusetts. They do nothing. No. Seriously. NOT A THING. Californians...you know Caltrans. The Caltrans workers look like they're smoking crack compared to these guys.

Here's what the police in Massachusetts do: they stand next to guys fixing the road. That's right. I don't know if there was a whole lot of road rage killing of Massachusetts state roadside workers at one time, but they all have a police escort. Guy looking at a curb: police escort. Street cleaner: police escort. Dump truck operator on a lunch break: police escort. They work. HE JUST FUCKING STANDS THERE ALL GOD DAMNED DAY!!!

Look, it's not that I love or hate cops. They're alright, I guess. But when you see cops doing nothing, ohboyohboy! Because for every cop that's jacking himself off on the side of the road, that's one less cop giving out moving violations. It's a whole state of people who will never get a ticket. I've seen people run red lights right in front of the Massachusetts police and not get pulled over. The cop ignored him. Hell, its not like giving them a ticket's HIS job. No, he's looking for a guy fixing a power line to stand next to.

Can you imagine driving in a state where people feel empowered to drive any damn way they please? Seriously. It sounds like bliss, but it most definitely isn't. When you're driving down the free way you shouldn't have to worry about some asswipe fucking T-Boning you because he wants to make a U-Turn. Double yellow lines are meaningless in Massachusetts, as are SIDES OF THE STREET. Hell, you could probably run over a cop and the braindead jerkoff wouldn't give you a ticket. I've seen three trucks since I moved here stuck under a train tressel. Have you ever seen that before in your life? I've seen it three times in a year and a half!