Art for Art's sake

So, let me just say this, let me just warn you all. Let it be heard. Poisen is coming back. No, not arsenic. No, not that song from Bel Biv Devoe (though its words still ring true: "Never trust a big butt and a smile"). No, I mean the worst crap that was ever forced down the throats of the American Public, "Talk Dirty To Me" poison. What THE fuck?!?

I heard it the other day. Technically, it isn't Poison--it's Brett "single handedly making the name Brett sound gay" Michaels. I think he's touring with Cinderella.

Cinder-fucking-ella.

By the way, I want to apologize for my previous comment about Gay people. Brett Michaels is straight--but I think his suckiness cuts across sexual orientations. He brings down the entire race. Also, by the by, I can find no picture of usable size to link to in order to fully make plain the transvestism of Poison. In their discography, the picture of their first album sub-titled "Chicks With Dicks," is not a thumbnail, but rather just too tiny to make out the boys in drag.

Isn't Brett Michaels dead? I mean, I would die of embarressment if I had to tell people that I used to be the front "man" for Poison.

Luckilly, Brett has a support group--all the other crappy hair bands that are attempting to make a come back. Let's see, I heard Def Leopard's still around, Motley Crue, of course. Cinderella. Poison. Quiet Riot. These people aren't playing county fairs anymore! Their playing stadiums. What the hell.

What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leopard.

Why, you may ask, are these people making a comeback? Oh, that's simple. Our culture is turning out crap. I mean who really represents competition for these guys? Three doors down? Third Eye Blind? Stained? Yes, when the "best" the music business has to offer sucks this bad, I can see why they'd want to turn the way back machine to before grundge and its unholy byproduct: whine. I was hoping, however, that we could move past these guys and never have to explain why we bought their albums in the first place.

I mean seriously, your kid brings home the new Motley Crue and he asks you whether you preferred Theatre of Pain or Girls, Girls, Girls. What the hell are you supposed to say? Either you were a poser who really wished that people would let you openly claim your love for Wham! or you were too coked up to realize you were a joke. And now your kid is looking at these two options and trying to decide between them which is the basis for individuality. Holy Christ!

Look, if you're a music exec I need you to listen to me for just a moment, okay? Someone...SOMEONE out there has to be making good music. I don't care if they're in Nigeria, or Kalamazoo, someone doesn't suck. Could you please FIND THOSE PEOPLE. Ask System of a Down, maybe they know some other bands. Something, man: anything. But don't cart out that crap end of seventies rock and call it 2005's cutting edge. Even the DJs can't sell this crap with a straight face. You can hear there absolute revulsion over the airwaves.

Now, if you are a member of Motley Crue, Cinderella, Ratt, Winger, Poison, Autograph, Def Leopard, etc., listen to me--you're studio execs are lying to you. You are not cool. The world has not been waiting for your comeback. Keep selling speakers or making burritos or whatever it is you had to do once your coke fund ran out. Yes, people will come to see your concert--for a month maybe--but it isn't out of love. Rather, a morbid curiosity compels them. They say, "Holy shit, you can't be serious, Ratt's playing. What a fucking joke." They come to see you for the same reason that people go to the freek show at the carnevil. Are we clear? Now, you're musicians, right? So, you like music. Well, no good music will ever come out while you washed up hacks are still on the airwaves. Don't you want to hear good music? Me too. Okay, don't book OzFest. Don't plan your world tour. Remember how you faded away last time? Good. Just do that again.