No, not this man's army...that man's army
Look, I can completely understand why people want to join the military. There job prospects suck and they see a foreign land that, though war torn, looks pretty much like the shit hole where they live. If you are born in Kansas, or any of the other red states, it certainly is not your fault, and you may want to get the fuck out. Hell, I would.
But that's easier said than done. Now along comes the U.S. military. They're willing to feed you, clothe you, give you a place to sleep, get you out of Kansas, and train you to do a job. Well, yeah... of course, that's going to sound good.
And yes, I understand the notion that you don't have to support the president or his decisions in order to join the army. You may hate Bush, you may believe that going to war in Iraq is a stupid idea, but is it any less stupid than dyeing of starvation in Detroit? So, yes I see the point of that.
However, even if I say that I understand why people join an army, that doesn't mean I understand why people join THE army. I mean, after all, there are a lot of armies in the world that one can join, and more importantly, a lot of them are not at war. Hell, some of them have never been to war.
One need look no further than our neighbors to the north. Canada has an army. It's nice. You eat ham, which they call bacon. You watch hockey. You don't get shot in Iraq.
If you prefer something with a little more personality than Canada, what about Australia? Surf's up, but not your number, because chances are they won't be shipping you off to Iraq.
Germany has an army. The former Soviet Union has an army. Even Columbia has an army. They won't send you to college, but with all the drug connections you'll be making, you'll be the hit of your home town slum! Besides, Columbia receives the best military training in the world--care of the CIA.
For those of you who are looking for the commando style, there's the French Foreign Legion (not to be confused with France). Those people make Navy Seals look like pussies, and while the U.S. government won't let women into active combat, Israel will! However, chances are that if you join the Israeli army you may have to fight more than just Iraqis. On the upshot, if you screw up in the Israeli army and kill a few civilians, no problem. You'll have both Jewish and Christian zionists in your corner willing to exhonerate you, even if they have to elect a president to do it.
Now, I know what you're asking: "I like my military experience to be a front for religious supremacy. What about me?" Well, consider Switzerland. There army has been defending the Vatican for centurys. That's all they do. Very little chance of being shot. Plus, cool knives!
For all you democrats out there threatening to leave the country, here's your chance! For all you republicans out there who voted for the war in Iraq (yes, you fucking did!), here's your chance to be macho patriotic without having to get shot. Here's military experience that even a senator's son can afford. Plus, it doesn't say "spoilt coward" or "draft dodger" the way that, for instance, Coast Guard does. Put your fear of terrorist attack aside, Hamperdoo, Georgia. You can reduce your risk of "gettin' all blowed up in one of dem dare bombins' " from nil to less than nil by simply joining the army of a country with a foreign policy not hated by 85% of the world (note, discernment in countries with a better foreign policy is absolutely necessary here. While Iran may have a better reputation in the world than the U.S., chances are they are next on our hit list. A rule of thumb, if you don't see any blonde people, chances are you shouldn't join that country's military). Christian Fundamentalists, fear not! Even if you can't read the bible in English (or haven't read it at all), you can still vote republican! Absentee ballot baby! And most importantly, for all you poor kids who have been dying just to get a few dollars, think Pounds, think Marks, think Euros... hell, think Pesos, at least you'll still be alive to spend them.
But that's easier said than done. Now along comes the U.S. military. They're willing to feed you, clothe you, give you a place to sleep, get you out of Kansas, and train you to do a job. Well, yeah... of course, that's going to sound good.
And yes, I understand the notion that you don't have to support the president or his decisions in order to join the army. You may hate Bush, you may believe that going to war in Iraq is a stupid idea, but is it any less stupid than dyeing of starvation in Detroit? So, yes I see the point of that.
However, even if I say that I understand why people join an army, that doesn't mean I understand why people join THE army. I mean, after all, there are a lot of armies in the world that one can join, and more importantly, a lot of them are not at war. Hell, some of them have never been to war.
One need look no further than our neighbors to the north. Canada has an army. It's nice. You eat ham, which they call bacon. You watch hockey. You don't get shot in Iraq.
If you prefer something with a little more personality than Canada, what about Australia? Surf's up, but not your number, because chances are they won't be shipping you off to Iraq.
Germany has an army. The former Soviet Union has an army. Even Columbia has an army. They won't send you to college, but with all the drug connections you'll be making, you'll be the hit of your home town slum! Besides, Columbia receives the best military training in the world--care of the CIA.
For those of you who are looking for the commando style, there's the French Foreign Legion (not to be confused with France). Those people make Navy Seals look like pussies, and while the U.S. government won't let women into active combat, Israel will! However, chances are that if you join the Israeli army you may have to fight more than just Iraqis. On the upshot, if you screw up in the Israeli army and kill a few civilians, no problem. You'll have both Jewish and Christian zionists in your corner willing to exhonerate you, even if they have to elect a president to do it.
Now, I know what you're asking: "I like my military experience to be a front for religious supremacy. What about me?" Well, consider Switzerland. There army has been defending the Vatican for centurys. That's all they do. Very little chance of being shot. Plus, cool knives!
For all you democrats out there threatening to leave the country, here's your chance! For all you republicans out there who voted for the war in Iraq (yes, you fucking did!), here's your chance to be macho patriotic without having to get shot. Here's military experience that even a senator's son can afford. Plus, it doesn't say "spoilt coward" or "draft dodger" the way that, for instance, Coast Guard does. Put your fear of terrorist attack aside, Hamperdoo, Georgia. You can reduce your risk of "gettin' all blowed up in one of dem dare bombins' " from nil to less than nil by simply joining the army of a country with a foreign policy not hated by 85% of the world (note, discernment in countries with a better foreign policy is absolutely necessary here. While Iran may have a better reputation in the world than the U.S., chances are they are next on our hit list. A rule of thumb, if you don't see any blonde people, chances are you shouldn't join that country's military). Christian Fundamentalists, fear not! Even if you can't read the bible in English (or haven't read it at all), you can still vote republican! Absentee ballot baby! And most importantly, for all you poor kids who have been dying just to get a few dollars, think Pounds, think Marks, think Euros... hell, think Pesos, at least you'll still be alive to spend them.