Full House gets cancelled and now he's hassling me

Bob Sagat? Who the hell's Bob Sagat? I mean, aside from THE Bob Sagat. Anyways, let me start this blog with an official apology to you Bob.

I was wrong.

Moreover, I knew I was wrong not but one day after I wrote the blog. How did I know, you may ask? My wife. She told me. I give her full credit. She's pretty much the smart one in the duo. I was watching Showtime, I saw this thing on Ali G giving the commencement address at Harvard and my thoughts started percolating on the meaning of such a message. But the next day, my wife alerted me to the fact that perhaps I had put too much blame on the Harvard administration, as well as the powers that be in our country, and that the students themselves probably picked Ali. I did not realize, until now, that there were two commencement speeches--one serious, the other not--and I that to you Bob. You are the bearer of that news for me.

Now you're probably asking yourself what this world is coming to when Monstro himself, the scourge of the seven seas, distributes mis-information. Maybe you're saying, "how could the lofty have fallen so far? Why did he not write a retraction?" Well, I'll tell you.

I think perhaps it was pride. Yes, that has to be it. I was too proud and I knew that the three people who read my blog would lose faith in me--on my reports about Blade II and Gwar, about my in depth analysis of Northampton driving habits and the difficulties associated with getting smogged in Easthampton. I couldn't let that happen, Bob. Imagine a world where those three people lost their ability to believe in my petty and trivial information.

But alas, Bob, I did not count on you, someone I don't know, relying on me as well to disseminate all that is worth knowing. And so it is with a heavy heart that I finally let the truth be known. I was wrong about Ali G.

Furthermore, I have never seen Blade II. Someone told me about it, and...I just can't live that lie anymore either. Those pictures? That's not my house. I live with a family that just emigrated here from Madagascar, I work for my room and board as an indentured servant. I juggle, cook fish and biscuits, and make candles that often accidentally look like Richard Nixon.

I hope that the healing can begin for us both now, Bob.

One last thing, this is a blog. It isn't really all that serious. If you want news go here, or here, but I'm not a reporter. So, unless what I've said turns out to be wrong in a way that actually matters, I'm not writing retractions. I'm too busy writing new stuff. I thank you for saying that my Blog was well written, but the fact that I was referencing friends might have suggested to you that this blog is for people I know. It's cool if people stumble on it and all, but I'm not really writing for you. Sorry.

Of course, the truth is probably that you are somebody I know. Most likely Jason. In which case:
I didn't write a retraction because I didn't feel like it/was busy/already had an idea for another blog and, therefore, moved on.
Pointing out that Ali G is an alter ego is a lot like pointing out that Pee Wee Herman is an alter ego.
And lastly, shouldn't you be writing that paper you want me to read, you rat bastard.

Commentary on the shock

Well, well, well...
Somebody said something about the Tea. Holy crap! Well, Kyle my friend, I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to make of Slam. He's got a certain pulp fiction dime store hood to him, so if that's what you got, I won't fault you. Five stories down and twenty feet over to the dumpster. Bobby's swaying as he holds onto the railing to try to get momentum. Mind you though, the devil's in the details. The part I just posted I checked over and realized that in that section, Bobby was only going to fall three stories (wrong) and that Bobby was 16 (wrong again), but I changed that stuff.

Warning I have just posted the beginning of Chapter 1 of Shock Tea. If you thought the prelude was dark and ominous, the novel gets much worse real quick. It is not for the feint of heart. There are references to drugs, sex, child abuse, and bestiality. Consider yourself warned.

Shock T (2)

Chapter I
Intro to the Anatomy Lesson:
Somewhere in the makeup of a story (term used loosely here) is a point, some guiding philosophy that runs through the entirety of the narrative locking it all together in a cohesive fashion that otherwise would be impossible to achieve by means of codex or concordance. Some liken the function of this point to that of a moral. For instance, don’t take candy from strangers is the point behind Hansel and Gretel, and also potentially the moral. Well, that’s all well and fine obviously, but often the morals are a little too ambiguous to be ‘Morals’ proper, and thus the term ‘Point’ seems far more appropriate to govern over all possible cases of story (again used loosely here).
The argument runs as follows: if the point of a story has a direct one to one correspondence with the moral of the story, and the story has a point, then common courtesy requires that it ought to have a moral. Even if you completely throw out the notion that a moral has a greater life in the more complicated and general concept of ‘Morality’ or ‘Ethics,’ a story may still stand on shaky ground concerning the whole moral issue. What moral value is meant to be extrapolated from this story, for instance. Is it that drugs can bring you closer to spiritual fulfillment? That the broken can somehow be fixed? That love and faith can blindly lead you to salvation? That ill placed love often leads to damnation? These hardly seem adequate to describe the entirety of the events here, and certainly do not correspond one to one with the point of this story. But this descepency can only be discovered ultimately by defining the point of this story.
Therefore, the point of this story (which we have on Ultimate authority) is: What next? Not in a seemingly plod along one event after another journey through a number of circumstances which do not affect each other in the slightest, but in the truly esoteric, grand philosophic, and overly meaningful interpretation of Next. What is the Next, in fact, to which we are referring? Or more importantly: what Last? For Next is important but Last is paramount, and this is the story of the paramount Last, though this is not a recommendation to read ahead. The last page will make no sense.
But if Next, or Last, then obviously, what First, as any ordering of events must ultimately dictate a starting point? Where to start, or if there is any truth to consistency, what First? Should the start be the tribulations of two low-lifes scumming their lives away in an abandoned hotel, barely maintaining their sanity, standing very much on the brink of death? Should start entail a strange scenario wherein one of the hallucinating low-lifes saves the life of the other hallucinating low-life? Is that really what First? Or is that the Next after the First? The problem arises when we assume that the Nexts taken in sum, should add up to an overall moral, even if we allow for ambiguity within our definition of what that moral truly is. What really can be said about a Broken Bobby from the vantage point of our current First? What really can be said about our diamond decanter filled with nightshade, our ever vigilante, always beautiful Slam? What finally can be said there about the Last, if that is our First? Maybe we should go further back to an obvious First, to births, and proceed from there to our Nexts, and then finally to the Last? Maybe we should cling blind as faith to the only First we can find, and see if there isn’t a God there in the details?

Bobby born to On The Pill Mommy. Twice Shy Bobby. On a bike Bobby? Good start Bobby. Daddy in the city making lot’s of money. Business Good Daddy. Put braces on your teeth and straighten out your spine Bobby. Go to school Bobby. Fit in Bobby. Light small fires when no one is around Bobby. Swear like a storm Bobby. Mommy catch you Bobby, gonna beat you Bobby.

This First, of course, incurs generalization. It fails to concentrate on any specific event relative to the necessity of our Next. So, though we learn a number of lessons, we do not know how those introductory principals, such as pyromania and the overall effect of a near absent father figure, ultimately lead to Broken Bobby hallucinating about Japanese war flags from the Presidential suite of the Pacifica Hotel. We have obviously skipped too much, or perhaps not included enough. In an event driven narrative, we have effectively summarized events to the point of their exclusion. Therefore, we find it necessary to find some detail which might describe, in minutia, the overall downfall or breaking of Bobby which ultimately leads to this scene wherein he nearly falls five stories but is saved by Slam.
Unfortunately, this detail must encompass a large potential of time. Bobby, in fact, does not find himself in the aforementioned scene until he is eighteen. Therefore, the description must summarize many years of dysfunction, disillusionment, and abuse. However, we must remain aware that no such event can or should exist. Therefore, we must contrive it, and though it may readily describe the effect which we mean to achieve by our First, there will obviously still be those who criticize the construct’s manufactured, and therefore false, nature. However:

-Glad you could make it Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky. Bobby seems a little detached, unable to make nice with the other children, and he’s having a little trouble fitting the mold that we are attempting to force his young impressionable mind into. We’ve tried beating him, but it only seems to be making matters worse. For instance, in class yesterday, Bobby painted this.-
-Well I can assure you that I’ll put a stop to this painting business. I know that there were no imaginative people on MY side of the family...-
-No, it’s not so much the painting. Actually, we feel that having the children paint is a good way to persuade them that life is not all about ‘Dog eat dog’ conformity...-
-I’ve never heard of such a thing.-
-Well, we must first give them hope if we mean to eventually dash it. However, what bothered us most was that Bobby has obviously painted a blue sky. Now Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky, as you are probably well aware, we are trying to prepare your son for a world where the sky will not be blue. If we let him hold on to this security blanket of his, what are we to say to the other children when they start asking the tough questions?-
-I see.-
-We’re just trying to do our job around here, and we feel that for the safety of the entire new crop, we need to nip this problem in the proverbial bud... We were hoping for your cooperation.-
-Well, let me see... I suppose I could get a divorce. That way, he’d see that not even love lasts forever.-
-Well it’s a start. Could you perhaps also become more concerned about your career.-
-Oh! I already put my career before my child. That goes without saying.-
-I didn’t mean to offend you ma’am, what I was simply suggesting is that perhaps after leaving your husband, you could start working longer hours, maybe bring your job home with you a little more.-
-Well, who would watch Bobby? I mean, I think it’s illegal for me just to leave him without supervision.-
-Oh, I wouldn’t worry about Bobby. We won’t tell. You could let the television baby sit him. Do you have any of the graphically violent or overtly sexual premium cable networks?-
-No.-
-Well, Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky, don’t you think you should?-
-I’ll get on it right away.-
-Perhaps you should also buy a gun. Keep it someplace easily accessible, maybe, hmm?-
Scribble, Scribble, Scribble.
-What’s this?-
-It’s the name of my coke dealer, I think you should take up the habit, maybe with a new boyfriend perhaps...And Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky, if the man wants to beat the child, by all means let him.
-Of course. Thanks for bringing all this to my attention. I’ll get a divorce right away.-
-May I ask on what grounds?-
-Well, I was thinking of letting my husband catch me in bed with another woman. I mean, I haven’t done that sort of thing since college, but I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.-
-Actually, it would probably be best if Bobby caught you, lots of irreparable damage and all that. Does Bobby know about sex?-
-Not really, he’s been asking questions, but its uncomfortable for me to talk to him, so I just avoid the subject. Am I doing the right thing?-
-Yes, but if he’s not going to find out about sex from you, then he’s got to learn somewhere else.-
-Like here.-
-Oh my word no, Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky, that’s not our responsibility. We just show them pictures of your uterus, nothing too explanatory. Most of the children think that they’re looking at a picture of a bull. Do you own a computer?-
-Of course.-
-Well, perhaps you could bookmark Pigsuck.com. Bobby’s curious. He’ll explore the site, and then he’ll understand what he’s watching on his ...birthday, perhaps?-
-Good idea. Wow, you guys really know what you’re doing around here.-
-Well, we are professionals. One last thing Mrs. Tutt-Gramsisky, do you think that you could persuade Mr. Tutt-Gramsisky to take a job somewhere else in the country after the divorce? Our studies show that a strong father figure can really help out a child, and we wouldn’t want that of course. Minds become harder to mold and such.-
-Of course.-

By screams and bounds

I just thought I'd introduce you all to the newest member of the Saim Hann army. Say hello to my little friend.

First let me point out, that this is not the best picture in the world. Erik you will, of course, comment on the pink, which is, in fact, violet, and given that Harley here, is a harlaquin....well, he's sorta 'sposed to look like a space clown (with an axe and a gun, and some sort of fly mask). For scale purposes. That base he's standing on is the size of a quarter.

Anyways, I'm really happy to have painted Harley, but I have yet to find another 40k geek up here. I'm sure that's sort of a matter of time, but not yet. I did, however, find...or rather Lynn found, the Games Workshop Store up here. So, I guess I could play there, but it's in a mall, and they only play veteren 40k on Mondays and Wednesdays, so we'll see.

If you do not play 40k, stop reading here. The rest will just annoy you. Maybe click on the links.

I do have this to say, 40k fans, and then I'll stop talking for the rest of you. The new edition of the rules are out and supposedly they have NOT elimated the Tau, and they have NOT eliminated the Dark Eldar. They just recalled the boxes so that they could repack them (at 1/2 the number of miniatures in a box, and at double the resale price--sometimes it's really hard not to hate them). The new rules seems to be mainly focussed on force organization charts and a few minor points, which makes me wonder why I should spend $50 on the book, which is to say, $30 on ebay (eventually).

What really ticks me off is that they are organizing space marine armies for tournament play such that there is a single set of guidelines to describe your chapter. What this means is that you don't have to play Space Wolves to get Space Wolf powers. Before the game you just buy your space marines (regardless of their chapter) whatever power used to belong to Space Wolves alone, and voila... The problem was solved this way as an obvious short cut for people who don't have many space marines and don't want to have to be forced into a chapter once they've painted their miniatures.

The problem is that I don't have a few space marines. I have a few hundred space marines, and I can't paint half (or even a third of them) in Space Wolves colors and the half in Ultra Marine, that doesn't matter. Now it would be stupid for me not to paint them all in the same color scheme, which by simple "what color have I already painted" means Ultra Marine, but can you imagine Rune Priests and Veterens (miniatures literally dripping with wolf tails and wolf pelts) painted Ultra Marine, that's just stupid. Ultra marines are supposed to be like American GIs in powered armor, Space Wolves are supposed to be vikings in powered armor, and Dark Angels are supposed to be ancient England in powered armor. That's what the miniatures look like.

Personally, I liked the idea of dividing up the space marines into various chapters. It gave a certain personality and continuity to that army. Otherwise, you have vikings next to GIs next to miniatures wearing robes over their terminator suits. But oh well. At least there isn't much they can do to my beloved Eldar (except, you know, provide official rules for the Harlequins).

Peda-googe

First off, I didn't invent the term. Erik did. At least, I think it was Erik.
Second off, I don't have a great deal of time to write as I will soon be leaving for Amherst to have my first beer with my fellow grad students. I'm sure I'll write more about this subject tomorrow.
Regardless, it's Thursday and I have recently finished the four day long seminar in how to teach Freshman Composition, which means that I have recently had my first brush with the composition department, and let me just say....it really wasn't that painful. It didn't have that air of people who really wanted to be Kindergarten teachers being forced to teach composition the way that Chico did. No, these seemed to be normal people. They were focused. Most of their suggestions were based off teaching writing--rather than hurting feelings, and I never had the sense that I was being converted. All in all, not too bad.
I have enough information to fill three blogs, but not the time. So, I'll just say this interesting fact. Nobody is from California, but strangely, nobody is from Massachusetts either--which is strangely comforting.
Why? Well, I guess I really sort of feel out of place for one reason or another, and it's good that everyone else feels out of place too. There aren't any clicks. There really isn't a cultural "norm." If you try and lump the people together you end up failing miserably, because how do you lump a group of four people together and give a regional feel to my experience when one person is from New York city, one person is from Tallahassee, one is from Lufkin, Texas, and another is from Pettsamaquo, Pennsylvania. Anyways, I'm going to ABC (Amherst Brewing Company) so I'll catch everyone else up tomorrow.