Jacking off a walrus
People in New England are assholes. Moreover, their anti-social behavior is a point of pride. Honestly. If they act in such a way as to make you think you're doing something right or that they're happy to see you or that everyone's in this thing together, then they feel that they have failed. In like manner, if they manage to act like having to listen to you is something that they're enduring, then they feel they have completed something for the day.
In our church, for instance, we sing between 6 and 10 songs. Seriously. For those of you who've never been to church, the average is three and the doxology (the song you sing while they take the collection plate from the back to the front of the church). We sing between 5 and 9 plus the dox.. In fact, our music director is sort of famous for picking two songs to sing, back to back, each with six verses. I wouldn't be surprised if she added verses to the dox., just to get us singing more. Also, she will actively switch up the routine songs so that no one ever knows the frickin' words to the children's moment part of the service. We have to look in the supplemental hymnal because the damn music director feels that we've grown to complascent in our greeting the children, who are almost all under ten years of age, and who don't have to sing...neither of them.
But why? Because people in Massachussetts don't want to have any point in the service, in a Christian church mind you, where they will have to turn to people next to them and say, "hey, how you doing?"
Its like an AA meeting. Even the people who've been going to this church for eight years don't know each other's real names, and when it comes time for the census, someone's like, "whatever happened to that one family, you know, the one with the kids?" I have an idea: THEY LEFT! They were tired of going to worship in a place where people wanted to be anonymous. They didn't want their children thinking that this is how people should act. We don't even pray. You know that part of the service where people prey for each other? We bring up prayers for you to do when you're at home, so that we don't even have that personal contact of being silent next to one another.
Anyway, I shouldn't just pick on my church, because they are indicative of the entire state. No one wants to acknowledge your presense. Moreover, it's a sort of badge of honor for a New Englander to get in your way without acting like your there. There are times when, "excuse me," just doesn't cut it. I need a taser. These people haven't been punched enough. That's my theory.
However, in lieu of high tech stun gun gadgetry, I have discovered an alternative way to get people out of my way. I sing.
Yep. In super markets especially. And I shake my ass while I'm singing. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm not the happy go lucky kind of guy who's heart fills with song to the point that he just has to let it out. No. I am singing specifically to get people the fuck out of my way. I want them to feel uncomfortable. As such, my choice of music is perhaps a bit questionable.
You see, the best thing is when there's muzak pumping in, because then you can just sing a long. "Oh What A Night!" is a real aisle emptier, as is "To Be Real," but I prefer the easy listening shit with lyrics that don't make any sense: "You're the Deepest Part of Me."
But let me be straight with you about this: you don't need to know the lyrics to sing along. I find that most songs can be sung using the lyric, "jacking off a walrus." Take that in. You're going to want to sing this with a kind of Andy Gibb and try to pronounce it as close to "checking out a mattress" without losing the actual intelligibility of the words. People will wonder, 'did he just say Jacking off a Walrus, or was it 'Checking out a matress.' Neither will make sense, but if the song has one of those repetitive choruses, chances are that they'll figure out that you're shaking your ass and singing about jacking off walruses quick enough to stop the conversation and get the fuck out of your way.
In our church, for instance, we sing between 6 and 10 songs. Seriously. For those of you who've never been to church, the average is three and the doxology (the song you sing while they take the collection plate from the back to the front of the church). We sing between 5 and 9 plus the dox.. In fact, our music director is sort of famous for picking two songs to sing, back to back, each with six verses. I wouldn't be surprised if she added verses to the dox., just to get us singing more. Also, she will actively switch up the routine songs so that no one ever knows the frickin' words to the children's moment part of the service. We have to look in the supplemental hymnal because the damn music director feels that we've grown to complascent in our greeting the children, who are almost all under ten years of age, and who don't have to sing...neither of them.
But why? Because people in Massachussetts don't want to have any point in the service, in a Christian church mind you, where they will have to turn to people next to them and say, "hey, how you doing?"
Its like an AA meeting. Even the people who've been going to this church for eight years don't know each other's real names, and when it comes time for the census, someone's like, "whatever happened to that one family, you know, the one with the kids?" I have an idea: THEY LEFT! They were tired of going to worship in a place where people wanted to be anonymous. They didn't want their children thinking that this is how people should act. We don't even pray. You know that part of the service where people prey for each other? We bring up prayers for you to do when you're at home, so that we don't even have that personal contact of being silent next to one another.
Anyway, I shouldn't just pick on my church, because they are indicative of the entire state. No one wants to acknowledge your presense. Moreover, it's a sort of badge of honor for a New Englander to get in your way without acting like your there. There are times when, "excuse me," just doesn't cut it. I need a taser. These people haven't been punched enough. That's my theory.
However, in lieu of high tech stun gun gadgetry, I have discovered an alternative way to get people out of my way. I sing.
Yep. In super markets especially. And I shake my ass while I'm singing. Now, if you know me, you know that I'm not the happy go lucky kind of guy who's heart fills with song to the point that he just has to let it out. No. I am singing specifically to get people the fuck out of my way. I want them to feel uncomfortable. As such, my choice of music is perhaps a bit questionable.
You see, the best thing is when there's muzak pumping in, because then you can just sing a long. "Oh What A Night!" is a real aisle emptier, as is "To Be Real," but I prefer the easy listening shit with lyrics that don't make any sense: "You're the Deepest Part of Me."
But let me be straight with you about this: you don't need to know the lyrics to sing along. I find that most songs can be sung using the lyric, "jacking off a walrus." Take that in. You're going to want to sing this with a kind of Andy Gibb and try to pronounce it as close to "checking out a mattress" without losing the actual intelligibility of the words. People will wonder, 'did he just say Jacking off a Walrus, or was it 'Checking out a matress.' Neither will make sense, but if the song has one of those repetitive choruses, chances are that they'll figure out that you're shaking your ass and singing about jacking off walruses quick enough to stop the conversation and get the fuck out of your way.
posted by Monstro D. Whale at
4:38 PM
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