Yakkity Yak, what the hell happened to Pitch Black
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I suggested that everyone watch the movie Pitch Black. I am unhappy to report that the sequel called The Chronicles of Riddick is no good. That's an understatement.
A more accurate statement might be that I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a bucket of iodine than watch that movie. The DVD starts with the director's introduction. I fast forwarded through that in order to get to the experience of the movie. In retrospect, I can only assume that all the director should have said, "I'm sorry," over and over again for five minutes straight. But even that wouldn't have vindicated the movie.
Perhaps if the director then committed ritual suicide it might have renewed my faith in the creation of decent movies, but he did not. If you ARE the director of the sequel to Pitch Black, here's a tip for you--Watch the original. No seriously, take a couple hours out of your day, preferably before you record your "vision", and just kind of get a hold on the movie that you're making a sequel to. Also, plot. I know that it's the new thing to make movies without plot, but the sequel to Pitch Black is not the place to "experiment."
Watching The Chronicles of Riddick was very close to having my eyes chewed out by wild badgers. You think, 'how the hell did these wild badgers get at my eyes. This makes no sense!' Yes, and that's exactly it.
Old Start Trek episodes have better production value. The Thing from the original movie, not the cool one, the one with the carrot monster. Just thinking about it is hurting my brain.
Now, I know that some of you out there had your criticism for Pitch Black, and yes I hear you. The monsters were essentially stolen out of Alien, but at least with that movie, the director had the good sense to steal a cool monster. In this movie, the guys are dressed in material that looks to be made from those Styrofoam drink holders from McDonalds, and they worship this guy who has faces on the side of his helmet so he looks like the symbol for Janus Mutuals.
I've already said too much. This movie doesn't deserve this level of commentary. Stereoscopy of an inflamed colon would have been more entertaining.
A more accurate statement might be that I'd rather slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a bucket of iodine than watch that movie. The DVD starts with the director's introduction. I fast forwarded through that in order to get to the experience of the movie. In retrospect, I can only assume that all the director should have said, "I'm sorry," over and over again for five minutes straight. But even that wouldn't have vindicated the movie.
Perhaps if the director then committed ritual suicide it might have renewed my faith in the creation of decent movies, but he did not. If you ARE the director of the sequel to Pitch Black, here's a tip for you--Watch the original. No seriously, take a couple hours out of your day, preferably before you record your "vision", and just kind of get a hold on the movie that you're making a sequel to. Also, plot. I know that it's the new thing to make movies without plot, but the sequel to Pitch Black is not the place to "experiment."
Watching The Chronicles of Riddick was very close to having my eyes chewed out by wild badgers. You think, 'how the hell did these wild badgers get at my eyes. This makes no sense!' Yes, and that's exactly it.
Old Start Trek episodes have better production value. The Thing from the original movie, not the cool one, the one with the carrot monster. Just thinking about it is hurting my brain.
Now, I know that some of you out there had your criticism for Pitch Black, and yes I hear you. The monsters were essentially stolen out of Alien, but at least with that movie, the director had the good sense to steal a cool monster. In this movie, the guys are dressed in material that looks to be made from those Styrofoam drink holders from McDonalds, and they worship this guy who has faces on the side of his helmet so he looks like the symbol for Janus Mutuals.
I've already said too much. This movie doesn't deserve this level of commentary. Stereoscopy of an inflamed colon would have been more entertaining.
posted by Monstro D. Whale at
6:48 PM
3 Comments:
I have to say that it's hard to give a damn about anything or anyone in the movie, simply because it was so predictable. Spooky, "Dune"-like prophesies abound, but we don’t much care: we already know that Birnam wood will come to Dunsinane; the question is simply when it will come, and how many one-liners about being a bad-ass will precede it.
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I'm going to have to disagree with you drivle old pal. The problem with the movie was that it was made. Barring that... Here's my favorite "well, that was stupid moment" in the movie. Here's the aliens, they've got everyone in one place and they are about to "absorb" them. They say, "You will all fall to the might of the mighty ..." and then they stop. Why, because they see Riddick. It would be rude if they didn't invite him to the castle for a tour. It's like they were going to destroy a whole world, except for one lucky boy. The only way I could explain that scene reasonably was that the grand super evil dude was gay and when he saw Vin Diesel it was love at first sight. No other rational explanation for the events that make up the "plot" of that movie exists.
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