The Yankee Candle Company

Many of you have been to a mall at some point or another and so you know that the best way to open a lucrative business is to sell candles. Oh don't argue. You know as well as I do what it's like to shop in a frickin' candle store. It's crazy! In fact, the two worst stores ever to shop in are candle stores, and soap stores. I have no idea what that's about but it's true. The second worst part is that both kinds of stores train their employees to blend in so that you never know who works there and who doesn't and if you're like me--male--you've got no idea what to do while shopping at one of these stores. I mean, honestly, do you really want to turn to someone and say, "excuse me, but which of your candles would be the best at covering up the smell of ass in my bathroom," knowing full well that the person you're asking is most likely not an employee, but rather someone dressed in the closest proximity of a uniform that civvies can deliver: the holiday outfit.

Don't ask why these stores are so popular. The reason is obvious. They smell like food. But unlike other stores that smell like food, and which actually have food, there is no possability of taking in unwanted calories at the soap shop. Such stores afford the populace the ability to experience food without actually risking weight gain. There is no other reason for the candle and soap stores' popularity.

The worst thing about such stores is, of course, their price. Soap should not cost that much. Candles are made of WAX. They probably cost all of ten cents to make; they sell for seven dollars. I guess I shouldn't talk, given that I'm willing to spend ten dollars on a couple ounces of lead, but still, at least someone took the time to mold it.

In any case, I recently visited the mother land of candles--the Yankee Candle factory and main store. Let me try to describe.

The Yankee Candle main store is a lot like a store in Disney Land, except not as repressed. It is honestly like walking into some toy makers workshop on top of one of the swiss alps. There are displays that boggle the mind. For instance, the store is now displaying about sixty different Christmas villiage sets, and each set is erected so that you feel as though you are standing in some giant jigsaw panorama of eras of Christmas town. Except that this isn't Christmas town. You wouldn't call an urban environment with that many buildings a town. It's a metropolis, complete with gondolas climbing moutains leading up to even quainter villiages and a train that runs the entire circuit of the room with stops in Santa's Villiage Christmas, Victorian London Christmas Villiage, Simpson Christmas Land, ancient Bethelaham, and Norman Rockwell Christmas villiage. All scales are represented. Every friendly character has a figurine. Every domicile costs between $80-120.

Many of you may know that just after Christmas is my favorite time of the year. Mainly because all of these quaint little villiage components are cut to 25% of their price, and that can only mean one thing. Warhammer 40k battle on an ice planet!!!, but let's face it that's not going to happen at the Yankee Candle Company. This is high end stuff.

Meanwhile, as Christmas is a-coming. You must also realize that Yankee Candle Company has all manner of decorations. My favorite, and Lynn will attest that she hates them, are the Edward Gorey-esque crazy ass animal freak ornaments. Basically, think Nightmare Before Christmas. Fish dressed in Santa Hats with legs that are thin and 6" long. Freaky. Frog princes. Elephants on long spindly appendages. Clocks melting. You get the idea. Lynn was actually disturbed by them. She did not want to be in the same room as these things. I cannot for the life of me imagine people hanging them from their tree unless they were trying to scare their children away from Christmas by instilling deep seated psychosis.

Anyways, my favorite part of the Yankee candle company is the toy store, or more precisely, just before the toy store and just outside of Santa's Villiage. There is a castle wall about twenty feet high, surrounded by a lit up moat complete with water falls. Beyond this lies this strange soundtrack straight out of Little Nemo: Adventure is Slumerland, and behind you is the thirty foot tall display of nativity scenes. I'm not kidding you on this: the castle wall is huge, and did I mention the moat?

All in all, the store is the size of a small mall. Lynn and I walked around it for about two hours looking at all things either Yankee or Candle. They have kitchen stores, an animatronic band that plays every half hour or so, ornaments, bed sets, build your own candle stations, a country crockerie place, a gift shop, a toy shop, and oh yeah, candles.

Now, about the candles. I have noticed that candle smells have recently branched out from food to general atmosphere. Sure anybody can get apple cider right, but how about the smell just before a thunderstorm. That's a little harder. But Yankee Candle has done it. Within reason. I mean, they don't have a smell for every occasion, but then who wants, "Just Prior To Being Submerged In Lava?" and I think we can all agree, "wind changing directions across the near by Sewer Treatment Facility," may not be the best choice either (though I'm sure it would cover the smell of ass mentioned earlier).

This move of candle scents away from food, however, got me thinking, and I think I may have come up with a new line for the Yankee Candle company. Bear with me on this folks, but what about "white glue," "rubber cement," "Sharpee." Hell, I bet they'd see an increase in sales just by adding candles that smell like gold paint. Well, I feel I've finally done my part for the industry that finally brought us back pre-electric light (and the business ploy of the 700% mark up).