Montezuma's Revenge

There are many of you out there who are wondering why it is that though I am apt to discuss politics, miniature painting, guys who smog my car, etc. I have yet to really get into all the great Mexican food that Northampton, and indeed the entire pioneer valley, is famous for. You say, "yes, yes, yes. Sure, you almost died today, but then how is that different than every other day. What I want to know is how are those burritos?"

Or maybe your not asking that obvious question, but still, you should be. So, I will answer. The reason that I have yet to describe the great Mexican food that has graced my gullet here in Massachusetts is simple. There is no great Mexican food. I daresay that there is no Mexican food, sub par or otherwise. This state is nowhere near Mexico.

Now, for those of you who've traveled through this fair nation of ours, you're probably saying that a state's proximity to Mexico bears little or no relation to the Mexican food that it can provide, and I'd agree. There are Mexican restaurants everywhere. I mean seriously people, if American cuisine is anything then it is hamburgers, chicken fingers, pizza, Chinese food, and Mexican food. These things are the staple of our nation's diet. Eat anything else and it is note worthy.

But Massachusetts has no Mexicans. They have Puerto Ricans. That's really not the same. Let me try to explain.

My first trip to downtown Northampton that involved food (and nearly getting run over, but here again, that's every trip to downtown Northampton), happened a few weeks back when I decided that I wanted to try out a little burrito joint. First off all, there was no Carne Asada. There was no Puerco Colorado. No Carnitas, no chile Verde, no option for the chimi chonga upgrade. They had burritos (no enchiladas, no tostadas, not even a frickin' plate of nachos). The burrito, according to the menu, consisted of rice, beans, cheese, and salsa. Do you see something missing?

Okay I'll try this again. Tortilla: bread group. Cheese: dairy. Salsa: vegetable. Beans: meat. Wait a minute. Hold up. Beans=meat. No way. That's just some bullshit the vegetarians cooked up. Meat=meat, not beans, MEAT. The Meat in the burrito was a $1.50 extra. You may also notice that sour cream was not added to the above recipe. I did not see the option to add the sour cream. I'm not sure that they knew that sour cream belongs in Mexican food, which is strange, because EVEN TACO BELL KNOWS THAT!!!

What I finally got out of these people was a Beef burrito (remember folks, that even frozen burritos are divided by sauces). Beef.
"Would you like the chicken or the beef?"
Carne Asada.
"Is that...Is that beef?"

So a beef burrito ($8, by the way). The meat had not been cooked in any kind of sauce. Forget that technicality. The damn thing was about as long as my hand. And you know how sometimes Mexican food can sometimes be hot. Well, this food was really hot. In fact, it was burnt. There was no spice to it whatsoever. It wasn't as bland as cottage cheese, but maybe cottage cheese with a little pepper...And did I already mention that it was burnt. It was not a burrito. Calling it a burrito was an insult to burritos everywhere. It was some meat, cheese, beans and salsa inside a tortilla. I never would have thought that there was a difference, but believe me, there is.

Later, Lynn and I decided to try out another Mexican restaurant, a place called Cha Chas. For those of you who have had microwavable burritos, or seen a microwavable burrito, consult that memory for scale. The damn thing was about the size of my fist. What's more, they had Thai peanut burritos, which admittedly might be good if you were surrounded by carnitas and you wanted a little break from verdes and colorados, but when there isn't any Mexican food anywhere and someone hands you a burrito that has thai peanut sauce in it, this can only be interpreted as a sick joke.

Of course, I did feel a sort of amusement at the number of people who were eating at Cha Chas. Sitting around, talking, believing that they are eating mexican food. I did not burst their bubble. Again, Taco Bell is more authentic.

So, tonight we decided to escape Northampton. Lynn finally had a day off and so we headed all over the place with the serious desire to get some Mexican food in my belly. I want a Chili Relleno so bad I could kill, not to mention beef enchiladas and diablo shrimp. Oh god!

So, we stopped in at this little place called Mi Casa in Easthampton, which a number of people had said would have decent Mexican food.

Quick rundown of their menu: Chili (okay, a little iffy), fried green plantains (ummm, is that Mexican), fried yellow plantains (what's up with all the frickin bannanas), jalapino (wait for it...) poppers, burrito (meat a $1 extra, chicken or beef), and something I got which I will call "pot roast"--which I guess must be a traditional Mexican dish that our country adopted so long ago, that now it seems American. But I assure....

Oh who the hell am I fooling? Pot roast isn't Mexican. Bannanas aren't Mexican. Jalapinos are things you put in the salsa. What, did the ancient Mayans stuff them with cream cheese and fry them. Was that the dish of kings or something? No. No. No. Lynn got a burrito. They didn't steam the tortilla. THEY DIDN'T STEAM THE TORTILLA. Moreover, when presented Lynn was actually given two burritos because, "the tortillas aren't big enough." Yeah, no shit, huh? Maybe that's why they lay the tortillas side by side then pile the ingredients and then fold. I'm not saying my pot roast wasn't good, but the chili beans and rice that accompanied the pot roast...well, the beans lacked onion, and the rice lacked tomato, something that even Rice A Roni gets right.

Look at this. The lady gets a ham sandwich in a Mexican restaurant and she doesn't suspect that something is wrong. She doesn't know. She has no idea. What are they going to serve next, Spaghetti?

I would kill for a Chevy's even.

We only have one hope left. We've heard that there may be Mexican food in Amherst, but there's no telling. I mean, how the hell would the people who suggest the restaraunts know if the place is any good. "Yeah, real authentic...Especially the chowder."

My point is this. If you are thinking about opening a Mexican restaurant may I suggest a location. If you open it in California, or Nevada, or Ohio, or even Wyoming, you will only be one of the many choices that your customer base has for their fine Mexican dining. But if you open a restaurant in Massachusetts you will be unique and will have no competition whatsoever. Just a thought. Oh, and one more thing, you will already have a customer. So, if your reading this, help a brother out, and if your name is also Roberta Johanson, send carnitas. This is an emergency.